


Windows

by Arnie



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Episode Related, Episode: s04e06 Window of Opportunity, F/M, Gen, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-23 18:29:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18707566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arnie/pseuds/Arnie
Summary: Character thoughts during a pivotal scene.





	Windows

**Jack**

Dammit, Malachi, why can't you understand? I would give my soul, my life, my world...dammit, I'd give Daniel's life, Carter's, Teal'c's, anyone's...to have my son at my side. I would give anything, do anything, just to have him safe and sound. Just to play baseball with him again...see that smile in his eyes...stand in his bedroom doorway and watch him sleep....

How can you think that you're the only one who knows grief?

But no matter what, no matter how wonderful it would be to have him back - I couldn't do it if I knew it meant losing him all over again. Hearing that shot. Feeling that pain. Seeing my wife die inside, just as my son died. Feeling myself die. I spent years working in Black Ops - living without feelings. Living without life because of losing Charlie. I could never live through that again. No matter what.

And neither could you.

~'~

**Daniel**

You hide your pain so well, Jack. Anyone who didn't know you would be fooled. Listen to him, Malachi. He understands. We understand!

I wish it worked. I honestly wish it would work for you. I wish you could save your wife. I wish I could have saved mine. Hidden her...left the Stargate shut....

A thousand regrets that haunt me.

At least you never made the mistake that led to your wife's death. At least you know that she died, knowing you loved her, in your arms, without having been possessed by a demon that made her try to kill you. At least you know that. God, Malachi! Listen to Jack - he knows how you feel. He knows how I feel. He was the one who saved me after I lost her. And saved me again after I lost her forever.

Ironic. I was the one who saved him on that first mission. He was willing to die because he had nothing to live for. Saving Ska'ara, saving the Abydonians, saving so many lives saved him. He was willing to kill until I died for him. And he would have died to give me Sha're back again. That's a price I could never have asked of him. But he would have paid it. Willingly.

Now you. Malachi, am I looking at myself? I'd give years of being trapped in a timeloop to save Sha're. I'd give anything. My soul, my life, my dreams. I know you, Malachi, just like I know myself. You won't give up, you'll never give up. Just like I wouldn't. But it doesn't work. It never worked. If it did, I'd be at your side making it work so I could save my Sha're, live my life with Sha're. With Sha're and without this pain.

I can't bring her back and neither can you.

~'~

**Sam**

Jack. That pain of his, it's buried so deep inside, you don't see it. Unless a kid touches his heart. Then...you get a glimpse. He knows what he's talking about.

We all know what he's talking about.

Martouf. How much of my pain is me and how much is Jolinar? I can't tell. Was it me who liked the way he smiled, the way he looked into my eyes...or was it Jolinar who remembered his love, his kiss, his embrace, and filled my heart with her memories? I don't know.

If I could go back - if I could stop him from being turned into a Zatarc, I would. No doubts, no regrets - no second thoughts.

His gentle soul didn't deserve to die like that.

~'~

**Teal'c**

I have never heard Colonel O'Neill talk this way before, never heard him talk about his pain. Normally, he hides his pain within him. Uses it to spur him onwards in battle. Sometimes I wonder if he would welcome his death but he is too much a warrior to sacrifice himself for nothing. But I understand his grief, however rarely I see it.

I, too, know the pain of losing someone.

Shau'nac. Her face fills my dreams just as her dreams crushed my heart. Her symbiote lied to her, deceived her. Killed her. Then lied to us with the delight of his victory in his eyes.

I would have lived my life with her. Spent my days by her side. Spent my nights in her arms. Instead, I will live without her. Spend my days fighting the Goa'uld and my nights dreaming of her. There is nothing I would not have done to save her. To be able to see the beauty of her face, to know her caresses once more. But there is nothing I can do to bring her back.

All I can do is avenge her. And I will.

~'~

**Malachi**

How can you understand the pain and anguish that have filled my days since she left me? Without her, I am nothing. Without her, I have nothing.

She always smiled in the morning...it made the day begin. The sunlight shone in her hair. It has never shone like that since she died. It's as though she took the sunlight with her.

Finding this place was the answer to my hopes, my dreams. I could be with her again. I could feel her hand take mine...feel her lips warm on my face. See the sun shining in her hair and in her eyes.

I might not be able to bring her back, but I cannot let her go.

She is my heart.

~finis~

**Author's Note:**

> Note: Dedicated to Punch, whose voice was silenced in this world but never in the next.


End file.
